HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMEN

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMEN
COMPLIMENT HER,
RESPECT HER,
HONOUR HER,
CUDDLE HER,
KISS HER,
CARESS HER,
LOVE HER,
STROKE HER,
TEASE HER,
COMFORT HER,
PROTECT HER,
HUG HER,
HOLD HER,
SPEND MONEY ON HER,
WINE AND DINE HER,
BUY THINGS FOR HER,
LISTEN TO HER,
CARE FOR HER,
STAND BY HER,
SUPPORT HER,
HOLD HER,
GO TO THE ENDS OF THE EARTH FOR HER,

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
SHOW UP NAKED,
BRING FOOD
DO NOT STAND IN FRONT OF TV
=====================================
Q. Why do jews carry shit in their wallets ?
A. For identification.
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Q. Why did the jewish poof get fired from the job at the spermbank ?
A. He was caught drinking on the job ...
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Q. How do you say "fuck off" in jewish ?
A. "Trust me!"
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Q. Whats the definition of jewish foreplay ?
A. Two hours of begging.
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Q. Whats the difference between a Jew and a pizza ?
A. Pizzas don't scream in the oven.
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Q. Why do Jews have such big noses ?
A. Air is free ...
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Q. What did Adam say to Eve ?
A. You'd better stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets.
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Q. Where is an elephants sex organ ?
A. In his feet. If he steps on you, you're fucked !
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Q. What do you get if you cross a nigger with a monkey ?
A. Nothing, monkeys are too intelligent to fuck niggers.
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Q. Why does Bush`s wife always get on top ?
A. Because George can only fuck up.
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Q. What do you do if you see a drowning jew ?
A. Throw him an anchor.
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Q. How do you save a drowning jew ?
A. Take your foot of his head.
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Q. Do you know how to save a drowning jew ?..
No ?!? Good!
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Q. What do you call an Irishman with half a brain ?
A. Gifted.
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Q. What do you call an Irishman with four 'O'-levels ?
A. A liar.
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Q. Why do women have two holes so close together ?
A. In case you miss.
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Q. How do you know if a woman is wearing underwear ?
A. Look for dandruff on her shoes.
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Q. What's the definition of mass confusion ?
A. Father's day in Brixton.
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Q. Whats the ultimate rejection ?
A. Your hand falling asleep while your having a wank.
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Q. What happens when a jew walks in to a wall with a full erection ?
A. He breaks his nose.
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Q. How many jews does it take to pave a driveway ?
A. It depends on how thin you slice them.
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Q. How do you know when the barman is really pissed off ?
A. When you find a string in your bloody mary.
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Q. Why is Italy shaped like a boot ?
A. Because you couldn't get that much shit into a shoe
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Q. What's natural dentalfloss ?
A. Pubic hair.
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Q. Why did the homesexual leave home ?
A. He didn't like the way he was beeing reared.
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Q. Why don't niggers have chequebooks ?
A. Because it's hard to sign your name with a spraypaint.
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Q. What do you get if you cross a Jew with a gypsy ?
A. A chain of empty stores.
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Q. Why do jews smell so bad ?
A. So blind people can hate them as well.
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Q. What are the three greates lies ?

Black is beautiful

A. 1) Black is beautiful
2) The check is in the mail
3) Of course I won't come in your mouth.
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Q. Why do women have two holes so close together ?
A. So you can carry them home like a sixpack.
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Q. How do you brainwash an Irishman ?
A. Give him an enema.
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Q. Why wasn't jesus born in the U.S.A ?
A. Because god couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
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Q. Why do Italians wear hats ?
A. To know which end to wipe.
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Q. Why did god give the niggers rythm ?
A. Compensation because he fucked up their hair.
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Q. How did the Irish acid-bath murderer loose his hand ?
A. Pulling out the plug.
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Q. What is blue and fucks old age pensioners ?
A. Hypothermia.
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Q. What is the only bad thing about the '69' position ?
A. The view.
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Q. Whats the definition of a vicious circle ?
A. A cunt with teeth.
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Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
> > >
> > > Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
> > >
> > > Man who run in front of car get tired.
> > >
> > > Man who run behind car get exhausted.
> > >
> > > Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.
> > >
> > > Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright
> > organ.
> > > Man with one chopstick go hungry.
> > >
> > > Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
> > >
> > > Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
> > >
> > > Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
> > >
> > > Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.
> > >
> > > War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
> > >
> > > Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
> > >
> > > Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
> > > Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
> > >
> > > Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
> > >
> > > Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
> > >
> > > Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
> > >
> > > Crowded elevator smell different to midget
Marriage Jokes
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS Smart man + smart woman = romance Smart man + dumb woman = affair Dumb man + smart woman = marriage Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need. GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die. Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman -- before marriage and after marriage.
MARRIAGE QUOTES
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

longer.
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
A man was complaining to a friend: 'I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!' 'What happened?' asked the friend. 'My wife found out...'
Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, 'Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!' Martha replies, 'Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?' The man responds, 'I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!'
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk d own the street bald and still think they are beautiful! I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months--I don't like to interrupt her. If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself 'Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me.' He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started
messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, 'Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!' He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the doorway wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said:
'Come on guys, we're almost there!'
If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
After a few days, the Lord called Adam to him, and said, 'It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the Earth, so I want you to start by kissing Eve.' Adam answered, 'Yes Lord, but what's a 'kiss'?' So the Lord gave Adam a brief description and Adam then took Eve by the hand, behind a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged, and said, 'Lord, that was enjoyable.'
And the Lord replied, 'Yes, Adam, I thought you'd enjoy that, and now I'd like you to caress Eve.' And Adam said, 'Lord, what's a 'caress'?' So the Lord gave Adam a brief description and Adam went again behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, 'Lord, that was even better than the kiss.'
And the Lord said, 'You've done well, Adam, and now I want you to make love to Eve.' And Adam said, 'Lord, what's 'making love'?' So the Lord again gave Adam directions, and Adam went to Eve, behind the bush. But this time he reappeared in two seconds..... And Adam said, 'Lord, what's a 'headache'?'
A man came home from the Social Security Office. 'Honey,' he said to his wife, 'I finally convinced them that I'm old enough to collect Social Security.' 'How?' his wife asked. 'Since the department of records in the small town you were born in was flooded, you can't get a copy of

A man entered a tattoo parlor on the lower west side

your birth certificate.' 'I know,' the man replied, 'I just unbuttoned my shirt and showed them all the gray hairs on my chest. That convinced them that I'm old enough.' His wife retorted, 'Then while you were at it, why didn't you whip out your dick and get disability, too?!'
A man entered a tattoo parlor on the lower west side and wanted to get a tattoo.
'What can I do for you?' asked the tattoo artist. 'Well,' the man replied, 'I want a $100 dollar bill tattooed on my danger.'
'I've never that request before. Do you mind if I ask why?'
'Well, I really like watch my money grow. I also love to play with my money and, I'll tell you, My wife can blow a hundred dollar's better than anyone I've known!'
I'm Glad I'm A Man:
I'm glad I'm a man, yes I am, I am king
I don't live off of berries, bon-bons, and rings
I don't brag to my girlfriends about my infections
I won't talk to the blind man, concerning directions
I don't act wasted a parties after drinking a beer and I know what I want when I call you dear!
I won't grab your hooters, cuz I'm afraid I'll get sued
I won't act polite, just to be used
I won't take my clothes off for a man, I'm no wussie and I don't have no string hanging from my _____
I might belch in public, but I won't be called runt
I'm a man you see -- Not no sissy ____!!
I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could yell
I don't shave my hair, wax, or use gel
I don't buy wonder bras, or girdles or such and I don't beg for money to enlarge my bust
I don't pull the hair that grows from my navel
I don't dim the lights, or say I'm not able
I'm a man you see -- I'm much too stable!
And I honestly think it’s a privilege for you
when I play with your boob s, and tell you I care
I don't live for tupperware no not at all
I'm not there to pick you up each time you fall
and I won't take your money and go to the mall
I won't tell you a story, I won't waste my time
I won't whine about the headache I don't got and fuck I don't care how to use the crock-pot!
Yes, I'm glad I'm a man, a man you see
I can pee standing up, sitting down, or in a tree
I don't believe every ad with the word free
I don't long for sleepovers, or that time of the month
I didn't even fucking cry when I saw forest gump!
you must have big ovaries to call me a pig
don't you remember who bought you that wig?
I know your sorry, and think I'm a winner
quit standing there, and fetch me my dinner!
I am a man, a man till I die don't you forget it, unless you'd like to learn how to fly...

Irish Jokes

Irish Jokes
Two Irishmen are sitting in a small town bar, where Mick bragged to Sean,"You know, I had me every woman in this town, except of course, me mother and me sister." "Well," Sean replied, "between you and me we got 'em all."
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Pat & Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before the morning break, Pat yelled "Mick, I've lost me finger!" "Have you now," said Mick.
"And how did you do it?" Pat replied "I just touched this big, shiny spinning thing here like this...damn! There goes another one!"
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Mahoney said to his friend McMaken, "I haven't been feelin' meself lately!"
"Tis a good thing, too - that was a nasty habit you had,!" responded McMaken.
**********************
An Irishman who had a little to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course" slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening". "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the
cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd
gone deaf."
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Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He asks, solicitously, "So what's bothering you, dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?" She replies, "Aye, that he did, Father..." The priest asks, "And what did he request?" Mary answers, "He said, Please, Mary, put down that damn gun."
*****************************
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya." "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" "That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guiness brewery..." "Oh, God no," cries Brenda, "Please don't tell me..." "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?" "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guiness Stout and drowned." "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, no Brenda... no." "No?" Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
Q: What do the KKK and Steroids have in common?
A: They both make black men run faster!
What's the difference between a Nigger and Batman?
Batman can go into town without Robin!
What do you get when you cross a nigger and a chink?
A ape that eats a hell of a lot of rice.
Why don't niggers celebrate Thanksgiving.?
Kentucky Fried Chicken isn't open on holidays

JEW JOKES

JEW JOKES
What candy did Hitler hate more then any other?
Jew Jew Beans... Although I heard he enjoyed them "roasted!"
Why don't Jews eat pork?
They may be a lot of things, but CANNIBALS they're not!
Why aren't Jews attacked by sharks?
Professional courtesy!
Do you know how to keep Jews out of a country club?
Let one in, and he'll keep the rest out.
How can you tell the mother-in-law at a Jewish wedding?
She's the one on her hands and knees picking up the rice!
What happens when a Jew with an erection walks into a wall?
He breaks his nose.
Roses are redish, Violits are bluish,if it wasn't for Christmas we'd all be jewish.
How do you get 50 jews in a taxi? Drop a coin in.
Why do Jews have thick windows? So their kids don't hear the ice-cream truck.
GOD SAID TO MOSES "COME FORTH" BUT HE TRIPPED AND CAME FIFTH .
Q:what is the job of a jewish football player
A:to get the quater back.
PAKIE JOKES
Q: What's red white and makes you laugh?
A: A busload of Pakistanis going over a cliff
Q: How do you tell how many Pakistanis live in a town?
A: Count the windows and multiply by 36
Q: Why don't they let Pakistanis swim in Lake Windermere?
A: Because they would leave a ring
Nothing smells worse than an Indian
Q: Why did the Pakistani trade his wife in for a toilet seat?
A: Because the hole was smaller and the smell the better
Three people are waiting at a bus stop, one white couple and one pakie guy. The white couple has two German Shepard dogs with them, one standing on each side of the pakie man. Both dogs both take HUGE shits on the pakie man's shoes at the same time. The white couple apologizes to the pakie man, and the pakie man says "it's ok". The bus finally arrives, the white couple goes on first, they ask how much for the bus and the bus driver says "2.50 for both of you". So the white couple pays and sits down. Then the pakie man asked "how much is it for the bus?", the bus driver replys saying " 50 cents for you and 1.50 for your two children"
CHINK JOKES
What's brown and white and flops on the beach?
A Filipino and a seagull fighting over a fish!
What do you call a Chinese walking a dog?
A vegetarian
Q: What is the name for a fight between two Chinese lesbians?
A: A tong war.
Why don't Japanese people like mushrooms?
They remind them of nuclear bomb that was dropped on them
There were 3 brothers from China, Bu, Chu and Fu. When they moved to America, they decided to change their names. Bu changed his name to Buck. Chu changed his name to Chuck. And Fu...well, he had to go back to China.
What do you call a fat chinese person

A chunk

A chunk
ONE STUPID WHITE JOKE
When I'm born I'm BLACK
When I grow up I'm BLACK
When I'm sick I'm BLACK
When I die I'm BLACK
AND YOU! .... WHITE MAN
When you're born you're PINK
When you grow up you're WHITE
When you're sick you're GREEN
When you go into the sun you're RED
When you're cold you're BLUE
When you die you go PURPLE
AND YOU HAVE THE BLOODY CHEEK TO CALL ME COLOURED
The Complete Set Of Blonde Jokes V.5.0.1
----------------------------------------
Note: from Dean Quanne :
These will also be good for Swedes, Germans and Essex girls..
1. Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!
2. Q: How do blonde brain cells die?
A: Alone.
3. Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant.
4. Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?
A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.
5. Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.
6. Q: How does a blonde part their hair?
A1: (Action of scissoring legs apart)
A2: By doing the splits.
7. Q: Why aren't blondes good cattle herders?
A: Because they can't even keep two calves together!
8. Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg?
A: Nothing. They've never met.
9. Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!
10. Q: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain?
A: After a dye job.
11. Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A1: She'd just dyed her hair.
A2: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around
too much.
12. Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch everything that goes over their heads.
13. Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.
14. Q: What was the blonde psychic's greatest achievment?
A: An IN-body experience!
15. Q: Why is a blonde like a turtle?
A: They both get fucked up when they're on their back.
16. Q: What does Dale Earnhardt and a blonde have in common?
A: Put either of 'em in a car and their fucked.
17. Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.
18. Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
19. Q: How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle?
A: Shine a torch in her ears.
20. Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.
21. Q1 How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's white-out on the screen.
Q2: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's writing on the white-out.
22. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.
23. Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they
go down on you.
24. Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer?
A: She didn't like it because she couldn't get channel 9.
25. Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!

How do you kill a blonde?

26. Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.
27. Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?
A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.
28. Q: Why don't blondes eat Jello?
A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those
little packages.
29. Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their head?
A: All you can eat, under a buck.
30. Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?
A: Because they can't get their head in the jar.
31. Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas?
A1: They can't find the zipper.
A2: They cant find the pull tab.
32. Q: Why do blondes wear hoop earrings?
A: They have to have some place to rest their ankles.
33. Q: Why do blondes where big hoop earrings?
A: To put their feet through.
34. Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more
attractive?
A: Her ankles.
35. Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
A: Because red means stop.
36. Q: Why do blondes wear red lipstick?
A: Because red means "Stop, wrong hole."
37. Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator?
A: By the lipstick on your cucumbers.
38. Q: Why don't blondes use vibrators?
A: They chip their teeth.
39. Q: Why do blondes wear underwear?
A: They make good ankle warmers.
40. Q: What do blondes do for foreplay?
A: Remove their underwear.
41. Q: Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini
skirts?
A: Cause their balls show!
42. Q: What's the mating call of the blonde?
A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!"
43. Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"
44. Q: How did the blonde die ice fishing?
A: She was run over by the zambonis machine.
45. Q: What's a brunette's mating call?
A: Has that blonde gone yet?
A2: When is that blonde bitch going to leave!?
A3: "All the blondes have gone home!"
46: Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs?
A: Because they can spell it.
47. Q: Why do blondes like the GST? (GST -- Goods and Services Tax
now in effect in Canada)
A: Because they can spell it.
48. Q: What is 74 to a blonde?
A: 69 plus G.S.T.
49. Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First.
50. Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
A: Tits Go In Front.
51. Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
A: An interpreter.
52. Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A: A mental block.
53. Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?
A1: Blow in her ear.
A2: Buy her another beer.
54. Q: What do you say to a blonde that won't give in?
A: "Have another beer."
55. Q: What do blondes do with their arseholes in the morning?
A: Pack their lunch and send them to work.
56. Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
A1: Introduces themself.
A2: Walks home.
57. Q: How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?
A: Fertilized.
58. Q: How does a blonde like her eggs?
A: Unfertilized.
59. Q: What's the first thing a blonde does after sex?
A: Opens the car door.
60. Q: How do blondes turn the light on after sex?
A: Kick open the car door.
61. Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering?
A: More head room.

Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?

62. Q: Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?
A: More leg room.
63. Q: What is the worst thing about sex with a blonde?
A: Bucket seats.
64. Q: What do blondes say after sex?
A1: "Thanks, Guys!"
A2: "Are you boys all in the same band?"
A3: Do you guys all play for the ?
A4: Who were all those guys?
65. Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?
A: Because everybody gets a turn.
66. Q: Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?
A: Because she's been laid all over the country.
67. Q: What important question does a blonde ask her mate before
having sex?
A: Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate?
68. Q: Why do blonde girls have trouble achieving orgasm?
A: *Who cares?*
69. Q: Why do blondes have orgasms?
A: So they know when to stop having sex!
70. Q: How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm?
A1: She drops her nail-file!
A2: Who cares?
A3: She says, "Next".
A4: The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder.
A5: He's had his clothes for about 2 minutes.
A6: I mean, who really cares?
A7: The batteries have run out.
71. Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!"
72. Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?
A: Data transfer.
73. Q: Why do blondes use tapons with extra long strings?
A: So the crabs can go bungee-jumping.
74. Q: How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?
A: She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering
what she did with her pencil.
75. Q: What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress
(reading her nametag) ?
A: "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one ?"
76. Q: Why do blondes have more fun?
A1: Because they don't know any better.
A2: They are easier to keep amused.
77. Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: "What's a lightbulb?"
A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"
78. Q: What's a blonde's favourite wine?
A: "Daaaddy, I want to go to Miaaami!"
79. Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A: A wine cellar.
80. Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes?
A: Peroxide.
81. Q: Why does NASA hire peroxide blondes?
A: They're doing research on black holes.
82. Q: What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common?
A1: They both have a black box.
A2: Both have a cockpit.
83. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a 747?
A: Not everyone has been in a 747.
84. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a limousine?
A: Not everybody has been in a limo.
85. Q: What does a blonde say when she gives birth?
A: Gee, Are you sure it's mine?
86. Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was
pregnant?
A: "Are you sure it's mine?"
87. Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
88. Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A: A dope ring.
89. Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart
blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill.
Who picks it up?
A1: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa
Claus,
the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.
A2: None of them. There is no such thing as Santa Claus, the Tooth
Fairy or a smart blonde and the dumb blonde thought it was a
gum wrapper.
90. Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side.
91. Q: What do you do when a blonde throes a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.
92. Q: Why do blondes take the pill?
A: So they know what day of the week it is.
93. Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
A: Because it kept falling out.

Why did the blonde have a sore navel?

94. Q: Why did the blonde have a sore navel?
A: Because her boyfriend was also blond!
95. Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the
ground first?
A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.
96. Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her IQ goes up!
97. Q: What's the difference between Indiana and a blonde?
A: A blonde has larger hills and deeper valleys.
98. Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?
A: You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.
99. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?
A: You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.
100. Q: What is the difference between butter and a blonde?
A: Butter is difficult to spread.
101. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
A1: You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.
A2: You can't fit the blonde in the bowling ball.
A3: There is no difference. They're both round and have
three holes to poke.
A4: You don't eat your bowling ball
102. Q: What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common?
A: Chances are they'll both end up in the gutter.
103. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and "The Titanic"?
A: They know how many men went down on "The Titanic".
104. Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.
105. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a telephone?
A: It costs 30 cents to use a telephone.
106. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a guy?
A: The blonde has the higher sperm count.
107. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and the Grand Old
Duke of York?
A: The Grand Old Duke of York only 'had' 10000 men.
108. Q: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?
A: Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it
won't follow you around for a week.
109. Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common?
A: They both get easier to pick-up with age.
110. Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A: The more you bang it, the looser it gets.
111. Q: What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.
112. Q: What do blondes and spaghetti have in common?
A: They both wriggle when you eat them.
113. Q: Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper?
A: So she could lip read.
114. Q: What do peroxide blondes and black men have in common?
A: They both have black roots.
115. Q: What do you call a blonde with a bag of sugar on her head?
A: Sweet Fuck All...
116. Q: How do you drown a blonde?
A1: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
A2: Don't tell her to swallow.
A3: Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.
117. Q: Why did the blonde drown in the pool?
A: Someone left a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.
118. Q: Why do blondes have square boobs?
A: Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box.
119. Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip
cookies?
A1: 10. One to mix the dough and nine to peel the smarties.
A2: Three...one to mix the batter and two to squeeze the rabbit.
A3: Two...one to make batter and one to peel the M&Ms.
120. Q: How do you tell if a blonde did your landscaping?
A: The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.
121. Q: What did the blonde's mom say to her before the blonde's date?
A: If you're not in bed by 12, come home.
122. Q: What's the blonde's cheer?
A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well..
I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."
123. Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her
thoughts?
A: Change.
124. Q: How does a blonde moonwalk?
A: She pulls down her panties and slides her ass along the floor!
125. Q: Why do blondes find it difficult to marry?
A: Because you don't have to marry them for sex!
126. Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a gorilla?
A: Who knows, there is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do.
127. Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every
month?
A: Because it says right on it "good for up to 20 pounds."

How did the blonde try to kill the bird?

128. Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff.
129. Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.
130. Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw
puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.
131. Q: What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs?
A: "Nice tits!"
132. Q: How does a blonde high-5?
A: She smacks herself in the forehead.
133. Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.
134. Q: Why aren't there many blonde gymnasts?
A: Because when they do the splits, they stick to the floor.
135. Q: Why do blondes have legs?
A1: So they don't get stuck to the ground.
A2: To get between the bedroom and the kitchen.
A3: So they don't leave trails, like little snails.
136. Q: Why did the blonde go half way to Norway and then turn
around and come home?
A: It took her that long to discover that a 14-inch Viking was a
television.
137. Q: What is the irritating part around a blonde's vagina?
A1: The blonde!
A2: The other guys waiting their turn.
138. Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
A: Flattered.
139. Q: Why do blondes always die before help arrives?
A: They always forget the "11" in "9-1-1".
140. Q: What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been picked
up by "the fuzz"?
A: "No. But I've been swung around by the tits."
141. Q: What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes?
A: Frosted Flakes.
142. Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
A: Frosted Flakes.
143. Q: How does a blonde interpret 6.9?
A: A 69 interrupted by a period.
144. Q: What's the difference between a blonde having her period and
a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.
145. Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of
Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"
146. Q: Why do blondes have two more brain cells than a cow?
A1: So they don't shit everywhere when you pull their tits.
A2: So that when you pull their tits, they don't moo.
147. Q: Why don't blondes breast feed?
A: Because they always burn their nipples.
148. Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
A: She kept having affairs with men!
149. Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
A: To cover up the valve stem.
150. Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot.
151. Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
A: A Space Invader.
152. Q: What's a blondes' favourite rock group?
A: Air Supply.
153. Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
A: The back of her head.
154. Q: Why do blondes drive VW's?
A: Because they can't spell PORSCHE!
155. Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday mornings?
A: Tell them a joke on Friday night!
156. Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.
Q: Why did God create brunettes?
A: Neither could the blondes.
157. Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
A: Branch Manager.
158. Q: How did the dumb blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.
159. Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
A1: So they know if it is morning or afternoon.
A2: So that when they're on the train they can tell
if they're going to work or coming home.
160. Q: Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling?
A: A blonde electrician.
161. Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A1: So brunettes can remember them.
A2: Because blondes are so SHALLOW a long joke wouldn't fit.
A3: So men can understand them.

Why wasn't the Virgin Mary a blonde?

162. Q: Why wasn't the Virgin Mary a blonde?
A: She wouldn't have been old enough to bear children!
163. Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
A1: A golden retriever.
A2: A labrador.
A3: An indicator of a really bad hangover.
164. Q: Why are blondes hurt by people's words?
A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.
165. Q: Why do blondes have periods?
A: They deserve them.
166. Q: Why did the blonde fail at being a prostitute?
A: Because she gave blow-jobs literally.
167. Q: Why did the blonde smile when she walked the marriage aisle?
A: She realized she gave her last blowjob.
168. Q: What did the blonde do when she got her period?
A: Looked around for the bastard that must have shot her?
169. Q: Why did they call the blonde "twinkie"?
A: She liked to be filled with cream.
170. Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist?
A: "Why, I just _love_ nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?"
171. Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes?
A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.
172. Q: How does a blonde hold her liquor?
A: By the ears.
173. Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.
174. Q: How do you drive a blonde crazy?
A: Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetise them.
175. Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A: Proofreading.
176. Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's.
177. Q: Why did the blonde try to steal a police car?
A: She saw "911" and thought it was a Porsche.
178. Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
A: Last year's hide and seek champ.
179. Q: How do you get a blonde pregnant?
A: Come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest.
180. Q: What's the difference between a blonde track team and a tribe
of sly pygmies?
A: One's a bunch a cunning runts.
181. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Suez/Panama
Canal?
A: One's a busy ditch.
182. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a toilet?
A: A toilet won't follow you around after you use it.
183. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster?
A: In the morning a rooster says, "Cock'll-doodl-doooo", while a
blonde says, "Any-cock'll-doooo."
184. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a supermarket
trolley?
A: The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.
185. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and your job?
A: Your job still sucks after 6 months.
186. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before using a trampoline.
187. Q: What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac,
and a blonde?
A: The prostitute says, "Aren't you done yet?"
The nympho says, "Are you done already?"
The blonde says, "Beige...I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."
188. Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her she's pregnant.
Q: What will she ask you?
A: "Is it mine?"
189. Q: What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
A: An air bag.
190. Q: Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after a
blonde drives a car?
A: Cause she blows the horn!
191. Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?
A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.
192. Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A: To turn the blinker off.
193. Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM,
SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.
194. Q: What is happening when you hear varoom...screech,
varoom...screech, varoom...screech.....?
A: A blonde trying to drive through an intersection with a flashing
red light.
195. Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
A: So her male would get delivered to the right box.

Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen

196. Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death
in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter".
197. Q: How can you tell when a blonde is dating?
A: By the buckle print on her forehead.
198. Q: How can you tell who is a blonde's boyfriend?
A: He's the one with the belt buckle the matches the impression in
her forehead.
199. Q: What is the blonde's chronic speech impediment?
A: She can't say "No".
200. Q: What did they name the offspring of a blonde and a Puerto
Rican?
A: Retardo.
201. Q: What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning?
A: A visitor.
202. Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.
203. Q: How can you tell if a blonde works in an office?
A: A bed in the stockroom and huge smiles on all the bosses' faces.
204. Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.
205. Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde?
A: Perri-air.
206. Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.
207. Q: Why did the blonde take her typewriter to the doctor?
A: She thought it was pregnant because missed a period.
208. Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?
A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it!
209. Q: What is a blonde's favorite part of a gas station?
A: The Air Pump!
210. Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!
211. Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
A: Because she got an F in sex.
212. Q: What do you call two nuns and a blonde?
A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver.
213. Q: Why did the blonde cross the road?
A1: Forget the road, what was she doing out of the bedroom!?
A2: I don't know.
R: Neither did she.
214. Q: Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
A: She missed.
215. Did you here about the blonde that stayed up all night to see
where the sun went ? It finally dawned on her.
216. A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she
saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT".
After thinking for a minute, she said to herself "oh well !" and
turned around an drove home.
On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said
"CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time she drove eight miles,
she had cleaned 43 restrooms.

How about the suicide blonde,

217. How about the suicide blonde,
she dyed by her own hand.
218. A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette
says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie." The blonde stops,
looks up, and says, "Where?"
219. A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the
wrong way on a one-way street.
Cop: Do you know where you were going?
Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the
people were leaving.
220. A cop stops a blonde woman who was driving down a motorway.
"Miss, may I see your driver's licence please?"
"Driver's licence? What's that?..."
"It's a little card with your picture on it."
"Oh, duh! Here it is..."
"May I have your car insurance?"
"What's that?..."
"It's a document that says you are allowed to drive the car."
"Oh this? Duh! Here you go..."
The cop then takes his dick out of his pants, while the blonde
exclaims:
"Oh no, not another breathalyzer test!"
221. Hubby: As a start I think you should learn to "iron," then we
could do without the ironing lady.
Blonde Wife: Well if you would learn to Fuck me properly we could
do without the gardener.
222. A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends:
Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row!
Blonde: That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred.
Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good.
Blonde: ( looking shocked ) Oh, you mean with one guy.
223. Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of
them decides to call 911:
Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing
a light bulb.
Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde: Yes.
Operator: The power in the house in on?
Blonde: Of course.
Operator: And the switch is on?
Blonde: Yes, yes.
Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
Blonde: No, it's working fine.
Operator: Then what's the problem?
Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and
we all fell and hurt ourselves.
224. What about the blond guy whose wife gave birth to twins?
He wanted to know who the other man was...
225. There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a
redhead, and a blonde.
The brunette looked over the water to the mainlandand estimated
about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim
to shore."
So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten
miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she
drowned.
The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made
it." I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here
and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot
more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before
she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she
drowned.
So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think
I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles,

15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island.

15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in
sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.
226. This blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when
the blonde said to her boyfriend, "Is it true that if you pull
you finger out, I'll sink?"
227. Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked
down and said "Oh, look at the deer tracks." The other blonde
looks and says "Those arn't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks."
"No. Those are deer tracks." They keep arguing, and arguig, and
one half hour later they were both killed by a train.
228. The blonde came running downstairs, crying. Her mother asked
what was wrong and the blonde said her boyfriend had just
dropped her.
Her mother (a blonde) nodded wisely and proceeded to tell her about
the birds and the bees and the blonde said: "No ma. I can fuck and
suck with the best of them. But he says I can't cook."
229. Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of
their Mercedes with a coat hanger.
Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting
to rain and the top is down!
230. A blonde was walking along, when she looked up to observe a bird
flying overhead. Suddenly, the bird drops a load when it was
directly over her. The blonde says, "Good thing I had my mouth
open, or that would've hit me right in the face!!!"
Or: "Good thing that cows don't fly."
231. A dumb Blonde died and went to Heaven. When she got to the
Pearly Gates, she met Saint Peter who said, "Before you get to
come into Heaven, you have to pass a test."
"Oh, No!" she said but Saint Peter said not to worry he'd make it
easy. "Who was God's son?" said Saint Peter.
The dumb Blonde thought for a few minutes and said "Andy!"
"That's interesting... What made you say that?" said Saint Peter
Then She started to sing "Andy walks with me! Andy talks with me!
Andy tells me..."
232. Did you hear about the blonde that went to library and checked out
a book called "How to Hug"? Got back to the dorm and found out it
was volume seven of the encyclopaedia...
233. A blonde's response to the comment, "THINK about it!":
"I don't have to think -- I'm blonde!"
234. A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the
bartender:
Brunette: "I'll have a B and C."
Bartender:"What is a B and C?".
Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."
Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T."
Bartender: "What's a G and T?"
Redhead: "Gin and tonic."
Blonde: "I'll have a 15."
Bartender: "What's a 15?"
Blonde: "7 and 7"
235. A government study has shown that blondes do have more fun -
they just don't remember who with.
236. Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they
saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat. The driver
blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like
that that give us a bad name!" To this the other blonde replied "I
know it, and if I knew how to swim I'd go out there and drown her."
237. ... then there was the blonde who started the restaurant with the
slogan "Billions Served - just today"
238. Q. How can you tell that a blonde's having a bad day.
A. She has a tampon tucked under her year, and she can't find her
pencil.
239. Q: Why are only 2% of blondes touch-typists?
A: The rest are hunt'n peckers.
240. Q: What do you call a blond mother-in-law?
A: An air bag.
241. Q: Why should you never take a blonde out for coffee?
A: It's too hard to re-train them.
242. Q: What do blondes wear behind their ears to attract men.
A: Their heels.
243. Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
A: They don't know the route.
244. Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.
245. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A: It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.
246. Q: What is foreplay for a blonde?
A: Thirty minutes of begging.
247. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a broom closet?
A: Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once.
248. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a phone booth?
A1: You need a quarter to use the phone.
A2: Only one person can use the phone at once.
249. Q: What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common?

They've both swallowed a lot of semen.

A: They've both swallowed a lot of semen.
250. Q: What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless
Ming vase?
A: "It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt."
251. Q: How does a blonde commit suicide?
A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.
252. Q: How do you plant dope?
A: Bury a blonde.
253. Q: Why did god give blonds 2% more brains than horses?
A: Because he didn't want them shitting in the streets during parades.
254. Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.
255. Q: How does a blonde measure his/her IQ?
A: With a tire gauge! (da da dum)
256. Q: How does a blonde get pregnant?
A: And I thought blondes were dumb!
257. Q: What do you call a blonde with ESP and PMS?
A: A know-it-all bitch.
258. Q: What's the difference between a counterfeit dollar and a
skinny blonde?
A: One's a phony buck.
259. Q: What's the difference between a chorus line of blondes and
a magician?
A: A magician has a cunning array of stunts.
260. Q: What is the best blonde secretary in the world to have?
A: One that never misses a period.
261. Q: What does a blonde think an innuendo is?
A: An Italian suppository.
262. Q: Why don't a blondes guts fall out of her twat when she stands?
A: Because the vaccum in her head keeps them in place.
263. Q: What's the difference between having sex with a blonde and
eating Jell-o?
A: Jell-o wiggles when you eat it.
264. Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?
A1: I don't know, there are some things even a blonde won't do.
A2: Something that when it gives you a blow job, it won't
stop until it gets blood.
265. Q: Why was the blonde wearing her sunglasses?
A: She was having sunny periods.
266. Q: What two things in the air can get a blonde pregnant?
A: Her feet!
267. Q: How can you tell when a blonde is wearing pantyhose?
A: When she farts, her knees bag.
268. Q: What's the disease that paralyzes blondes below the waist?
A: Marriage.
269. Q: How is a blonde like a frying pan?
A: You have to get them hot before you put in the meat.
270. Q: How do you describe the perfect blonde?
A: 3 feet tall, no teeth, and a flat head to rest your beer on.
271. Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You don't. They're born that way.
272. Q: How do ya paralyze a blonde from the neck down?
A: Marry her.
273. Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk?

The cow fell on her.

A: The cow fell on her.
274. Q: How did the blonde burn her nose?
A: Bobbing for french fries.
275. Q: How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries?
A: She has a checkbook.
276. Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it.
277. Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A: She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.
278. Q: What's the difference between a pit bull and a blonde with
PMS?
A: Lipstick.
279. Q: Why does a blonde insist on him wearing a condom?
A: So she can have a doggie bag for later.
281. Q: Why do blondes like lightning?
A: They think someone is taking their picture.
282. Q: Why do all blondes all have a dimple on their chin and a
flat forehead?
A: Finger on chin-I don't know. Hits forehead-Oh I get it!
283. Q: Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
A: From eating with forks.
284. Q: Why do blondes have big bellybuttons?
A: From dating blonde men.
285. Q: Why do blondes wear tampons?
A: Because crabs like Bungie Jumping too.
286. Q: But why do brunettes take the pill ?
A: Wishful Thinking.
287. Q: Why don't blondes double recipes?
A: The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.
288. Q: Why don't blondes make good pharmacists?
A: They can't get the bottle into the typewriter.
289. Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?
A1: They can't remember the number.
A2: She can't find the number 11 on the telephone buttons.
290. Q: What do you call a blonde touching her toes?
A: A brunette with bad breath.
291. Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner?
A: Reservations.
292. Q: What do blondes do after they comb their hair?
A: They pull up their pants.
293. Q: What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the pool?
A: Air bubbles.
294. Q: What do you call 3 blondes, a chimp, and another blonde standing on a street corner?
A: 4 f*cks, 4 f*cks, 4 f*cks, not for a zillion f*cks, 4 f*cks!
295. Q: What do you call a blonde lesbian?
A: A waste.
296. Q: What do you call 4 blondes lying on the ground?
A: An air mattress.
297. Q: What do you call an unmarried blond in a BMW?
A: Divorcee'
298. Q: What do you call a hooker and four blondes?
A: Regular price, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks,
four bucks.

What does a blonde owl say?

299. Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?
300. Q: What do you call a zit on a blonde's ass?
A: A brain tumor.
280. Q: Why do men like blonde jokes??
A: Because they can understand them.
281. Q: Why do blondes like lightning?
A: They think someone is taking their picture.
282. Q: Why do all blondes all have a dimple on their chin and a
flat forehead?
A: Finger on chin-I don't know. Hits forehead-Oh I get it!
283. Q: Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
A: From eating with forks.
284. Q: Why do blondes have big bellybuttons?
A: From dating blonde men.
285. Q: Why do blondes wear tampons?
A: Because crabs like Bungie Jumping too.
286. Q: But why do brunettes take the pill ?
A: Wishful Thinking.
287. Q: Why don't blondes double recipes?
A: The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.
288. Q: Why don't blondes make good pharmacists?
A: They can't get the bottle into the typewriter.
289. Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?
A1: They can't remember the number.
A2: She can't find the number 11 on the telephone buttons.
290. Q: What do you call a blonde touching her toes?
A: A brunette with bad breath.
291. Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner?
A: Reservations.
292. Q: What do blondes do after they comb their hair?
A: They pull up their pants.
293. Q: What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the pool?
A: Air bubbles.
294. Q: What do you call 3 blondes, a chimp, and another blonde
standing on a street corner?
A: 4 f*cks, 4 f*cks, 4 f*cks, not for a zillion f*cks, 4 f*cks!
295. Q: What do you call a blonde lesbian?
A: A waste.
296. Q: What do you call 4 blondes lying on the ground?
A: An air mattress.
297. Q: What do you call an unmarried blond in a BMW?
A: Divorcee'
298. Q: What do you call a hooker and four blondes?
A: Regular price, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks,
four bucks.
299. Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?
300. Q: What do you call a zit on a blonde's ass?
A: A brain tumor.
301. Q: What do you get when you turn 3 blondes upside-down?
A: Two brunettes.
302. Q: What do a blonde and President Gorbachev have in common?
A: They both got fucked by 10 men whilst on holiday.
Q2: What's the difference between a blonde and President
Gorbachev?

He knows who the ten men were.

A: He knows who the ten men were.
303. Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.
304. Q: Why did they stop doing the "WAVE" at BYU?
A: Too many blondes were drowning.
305. Q: Why did Bush want to send blondes with PMS over to Iraq?
A: They're mad enough to kill and they can retain water.
306. Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said
"DON'T WALK".
307. Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.
308. Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
309. Q: Why did the blonde want to become a veternarian?
A: Because she loved children.
310. Q: If an blonde and a brunette jumped off a bridge,
who would die first?
A: The brunette -- because the blonde would have to
stop and ask for directions.
311. Q: To a blonde, what is long and hard?
A: Grade 4.
312. What are the worst six years in a blonde's life?
A: Third Grade.
313. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a refrigerator?
A: A refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull your meat out of it.
314. Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?
A: 144 blondes.
315. Q: Why is 68 the maximum speed for blonds?
A: Because at 69 they blow a rod...
316. Q: Why won't they hire a blonde pharmacist?
A: They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.
317. Q: What is the definition of the perfect woman?
A: A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a
pub.
318. Q: Why is a blonde like an old washing machine?
A: They both drip when they're fucked.
319. Q: How would a blond punctuate the following?:
"Fun fun fun worry worry worry"
A: Fun period fun period fun NO PERIOD worry worry worry!
320. Q: Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
A: It swells at night.
321. Q: A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm.
She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?"
A: The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"
322. Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should
cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
323. Q: What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
A: Locking the car door.
324. Q: Why did the blonde keep failing her driver's test?
A: Because every time the door opened, she jumped into the back
seat.
325. Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents
occur around the home?
A: She moved.

What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?

326. Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A: A blonde parade.
327. Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?
A: They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out.
328. Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her
husband's car?
A: She burned her lips on the tailpipe.
329. I told my blonde girlfriend that I was going skeet shooting.
She told me she didn't know how to cook them.
330. A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In
the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor
wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out
"GREEN SIDE UP!" In the second room she told the painter she
would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad,
walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"
The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third
room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color.
The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and
yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"
The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"
"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying
sod across the street.
331. Did you hear about the blonde who:
1 had more on her body than on her mind?
2 was called "Sanka" because she had no active ingredient in the bean?
3 took an hour to cook Minute Rice?
4 got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up?
5 was an M.D. - Mentally Deficient?
6 7 had a terrific stairway, but nothing upstairs?
8 thought nitrates was cheaper than day rates?
9 was told she was a silly puss, but insisted she didn't have a crazy
cat?
10 after watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didn't get taller
girls?
11 went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker?
12 brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?
332. Two brunettes and a blonde are in the hospital awaiting the
arrival of their first children. The 1st brunette says, "I just
know I'm going to have a girl, 'cuz I conceived while I was
on my back". The 2nd brunette says, "Mine's going to be a
boy, 'cuz I was on top during conception". The blonde says,
"Uh-oh! I'm going to have a puppy!"
333. There were three women who were at the gynecologist having pre- natal checkups The doctor asked the first woman "in what
position was the baby concieved ?"
"He was on top ", she replyed.
"You will have a boy !" the doctor exclaimed.
The second woman was asked the same question.
"I was on top ", was the reply.
"you will have a baby girl. " said the doctor.
With this, the third women, a blond, burst into tears.
"Whats the matter ?" asked the doc.
"Am I going to have puppies ?".....
334. Blondes...
They take a lickin', and keep on...
Lickin!
335. Did you hear the one about the blonde who thought that "love handles" referred to her ears?
336. Confucious say; blonde who fly upside down have crack up.
337. At a carwash in Burbank, there were two identical Hondas coming out at the same time. A beautiful blond woman jumps into one and takes off, leaving its owner rather perplexed. About three minutes latter, she reappears at the car wash yelling,

"who ripped off my car phone!"

"who ripped off my car phone!"
338. This guy just started at his new job, working at a porno shop. His
boss comes out and tell him that he has to leave for a while, and "can
you handle it?"
The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the
boss's positive comments he finally agrees.
A blonde goes into the drug store to buy some rubbers (so she can
practice safe sex). She walks up to the pharmicist and asks "How
much for a box of rubbers?"
"They're $1 for a box of 3," he replied, "Plus 6 cents for the tax."
"Oh," said the blonde, "I wondered how they kept them on."
339. Another blonde, another store. She goes over to the deodorant display and tells the clerk "I need to buy some deodorant for my
husband." "Does he use the ball kind?" enquired the clerk.
"No," replied the blonde, "The kind for under his arms."
340. Another blonde in the porno shop:
She asks, "How much for the white dildo?"
He answers, "$35."
She: "How much for the black one?"
He: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one."
She: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one
before."
She pays him, and off she goes.
A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the
black dildo?"
He: "$35."
She: "How much for the white one?"
He: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one."
She: "Hmmm...I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white
one before..." She pays him, and off she goes.
About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?"
He: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black."
She: "Hmmmmm....how much is that plaid one on the shelf?"
He: "Well, that's a very special dildo...it'll cost you $165."
She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've
never had a plaid one before...."
She pays him, and off she goes.
Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was
gone?"
To which the salesman responded, "I did really good, I sold one white
dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!"
341. After many hours of extremely acrobatic and exhausting sex with a blonde he had just picked up, a man goes into the kitchen for some food to replenish his justspent energy. He pours himself a glass of milk and right before drinking it, herealizes his manhood ` is still pretty hot, so he sticks it in the glass to cool it off. Just then the blonde walks in and says, "Oh, I always wondered how you refilled those."
342. Blonde Medical Terminology
Anally -- occurring yearly
Artery -- study of paintings
Bacteria -- back door of cafeteria
Barium -- what doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel -- letter like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarian section -- district in Rome
Cat scan -- searching for kitty
Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her
Colic -- sheep dog
Coma -- a punctuation mark
Congenital -- friendly
D&C -- where Washington is
Diarrhea -- journal of daily events
Dilate -- to live long
Enema -- not a friend
Fester -- quicker
Fibula -- a small lie
Genital -- non-Jewish
G.I. Series -- soldiers' ball game
Grippe -- suitcase
Hangnail -- coathook

Impotent -- distinguished, well known

Impotent -- distinguished, well known
Intense pain -- torture in a teepee
Labour pain -- got hurt at work
Medical staff -- doctor's cane
Morbid -- higher offer
Nitrate -- cheaper than day rate
Node -- was aware of
Outpatient -- person who had fainted
Pap smear -- fatherhood test
Pelvis -- cousin of Elvis
Post operative -- letter carrier
Protein -- favouring young people
Rectum -- damn near killed 'em
Recovery room -- place to do upholstery
Rheumatic -- amorous
Scar -- rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion -- hiding anything
Seizure -- Roman emperor
Serology -- study of knighthood
Tablet -- small tablet
Terminal illness -- sickness at airport
Tibia -- country in North Africa
Tumour -- an extra pair
Urine -- opposite of you're out
Varicose -- located nearby
Vein -- conceited
343. Q: Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID?
A: Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little
packet.
344. Q: How do you give a blonde a brain transplant?
A: Blow in her ear.
345. Q: Why does a blonde have fur on the hem of her dress?
A: To keep her ankles warm.
346. Q: How can you tell a blonde had a bad day?
A: Her tampon is behind her ear and she doesn't know what
she did with her cigarette.
347. Q: What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms?
A: Way to go team!
348. Q: How can you tell if a blonde has a vibrator?
A: By the chipped tooth.
349. Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
A: (I'll tell you tomorrow.)
350. Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: To keep from bruising their ears.
352. Why does a blonds bra say T.G.I.F?
Tits go in first.
352. Q: Why do blondes have vaginas?
A: So guys will talk to them at parties.
353. Q: What do you call a blonde wearing a leather jacket on a motorcycle?
A: Rebel without a clue.
354. Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL A BLONDE WITH A RUNNY NOSE?
A: Full.
355. Imitation of a blonde refuelling..
(Flap hand, blowing air into ears)
356. Q: WHY DON'T BLONDES BREASTFEED THEIR BABIES?
A: It hurts too much when they boil their nipples.
357. Q: What does a blonde answer to the question "Are you sexually active?"
A: "No, I just lie there."
358. Q: What's the first thing a blonde says in the morning?
A: "Thanks, guys..."
359. Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL 10 BLONDES AT THE BOTTOM OF
THE POOL?
A: AIR POCKETs.
360. Q: Why do blondes hate M&Ms?
A: They're too hard to peel.
361 Q: What did Jimmy Swaggart pay for his prostitute
and her four blonde friends?
A: Regular price, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks.
362. Q: What does "Bones" McCoy say before he performs brain
surgery on a blonde?
A: "Space. The final frontier......"
363. Q: How many blondes does it take to screw the entire Bengals team?
A: Just One... Boomer Esiason.
364. Q: What's brown and red and black and blue?
A: A brunette who's told one too many blonde jokes.
365. Q: What do you call a brunette and three blondes on a corner?
A: You don't, you see if you've got 3 condoms.
366. Q: Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?
A: So she could keep the refriderator cold.
367. Q: How did the blonde break her leg playing hockey with the Toronto Maple Leafs?
A: She fell out of the tree.
368 Q: What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it?
A: A thought.
369. Q: How many blondes does it take to play Hide and Seek?
A: One.
370. Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN ?
A: She didn't know what ONE came first...

Why don't blondes talk

371 Q: Why don't blondes talk when having sex?
A1: Their mothers told them not to talk to strangers.
A2: Their mothers told them not with there mouths full.
372 Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?
A: Divorced.
373 Q: What do you call a blonde without an asshole?
A: Divorced.
374. A blonde and a brunette were talking one day. The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head and Shoulders" and it cleared it up. The blonde asked
inquisitively, "How do you give shoulders?"
375. Person 1: What's the difference between a blonde and garbage?
Person 2: Garbage gets taken out at least once a week.
Person 1: Wrong. You tie the garbage up before you take it out.
376. Q: How many blondes does it take to make a circuit?
A: Two, One to stand in the bathtub, and another to pass her the
blow dryer!
377. Q: How is a blonde like a postage stamp?
A: You lick'm, stick'em, and send'em on their way.
378 Q: How do you describe 3 prostitutes and a blonde?
A: Ho, Ho, Ho, and to all a good night.
379. Did you hear what the blonde who was opening a new bar said when her lawyer
explained to her that she needed a liquor license?
"Oh, it's not gonna be THAT kind of a bar. That's disgusting!"
380. Q: What do you call a bunch of blondes with yeast infections?
A: A wine and cheese party!
381. Q: Why did the blonde fail her drivers liscence ?
A: She wasn't used to the front seat!
382. (Visual Joke)
Q: What did the blonde say when she tried driving stick for the first time?
A: "How do you shift this thing?" (you make jacking off motions)
383. Q: What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10?
A: She picks up her purse and goes home.
384. Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
A: The vegetable garden.
385. Q: How many blondes does it take to play tag?
A: One.
386. Q: What's the difference between a lesbian finger-fucking a blonde and a Schwinn at the side of the road?
A: One's a bike in a ditch, and the other's . . . .
387. Teller: Why did the blonde move to L.A.?
Blonde: I don't know. Why?
Teller: It was easier to spell.
Blonde: Easier than what?
388. Q: Why did the blonde want to become a veterinarian?
A: She liked kids...
389 Q: What do you call four Blondes in a Volkswagon?
A: Far-from-thinkin
390 Q: Why don't they let Blondes swim in the ocean?
A: Because they can't get the smell out of the tuna.
391 Q: What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
A: She slipped off and fell down the drain.
And the finale
392. Q: Why do blondes occupy about 90% of the net bandwidth?
A: Because they

Adding a Reset button

Adding a Reset button
You can add buttons to your form in at least two ways. The first method is to create an
image of a button and link it to one or more actions. The second method is to use the
Submit or Reset button in the Forms set of the Objects palette.
• The Submit button sends a visitor’s information to your database and closes the form.
• The Reset button deletes all of the visitor’s information and returns the form to its
default settings.
Now you’ll add a Reset button to the form.
1 Drag a Reset Button icon from the Forms set ( ) of the Objects palette to the empty
table cell to the right of the submit application image. The Inspector changes to the Input
Button Inspector.
Dragging Reset Button icon from the Forms set of the Objects palette to table cell
The necessary options for the Reset button are preset; however, you can change the button
name from Reset by checking the Label option in the Input Button Inspector and entering
a new name in the Label text box.
For more information about creating a Normal button, see “Creating buttons and
check boxes” in the Adobe GoLive 6.0 User Guide.
2 Choose File > Save to save the page.
Changing the main table’s border and cell spacing
Now that you have finished adding images and form fields to the form, you can remove
the border of the main table and the cell space of its table cells. (Both the border and cell
space are currently set at 2, which has made it easier for you to select the table and its cells
while modifying the form.)
1 In the document window, click the left or top edge of the main table (above the
Membership Application row) to select it. The Inspector changes to the Table Inspector,
with the Table tab automatically selected.
2 In the Table Inspector, enter 0 for Border, 0 for Cell Space, and press Enter or Return.
3 Choose File > Save to save the page.
4 Click the Preview tab in the document window, and check how the page appears in
Layout Preview.
5 Click the Layout tab in the document window to return to the Layout Editor.

Creating a tabbing chain

Creating a tabbing chain
Now you’ll add a navigational aid to your form—a tabbing chain that allows viewers to
use the Tab key to move between form fields. To create a tabbing chain, you specify the
order in which the form fields are selected by the Tab key. Adding a tabbing chain should
be the last thing that you do to your form, after you are satisfied with its layout.
Note: Some Web browsers will automatically allow users to use the Tab key to move between
text fields. Some browsers only allow users to use the Tab key to move between text fields and
not other types of form fields. Also, be aware that the tabbing order that you create may or
may not be recognized, depending on the browser and which version the visitor is using.
You can start your tabbing chain with any form field. You’ll start the tabbing chain for this
form with the text field for entering a name.
1 Select the text field in the document window that contains the text “Enter name here.”
The Inspector changes to the Form Text Field Inspector.
ADOBE GOLIVE 6.0 415
Classroom in a Book
2 In the Form Text Field Inspector, select the Tab option. Enter 1 in the Tab text box. This
specifies the text field as the first form field in the tabbing chain.
Selecting text field Specifying text field as first in
tabbing chain
3 Click the Start/Stop Indexing button ( ). Yellow squares appear on each form field
that can be part of the tabbing chain. (The yellow squares also appear on the form labels,
although you can’t add labels to your tabbing chain.)
The yellow square in the text field for entering a name already has a 1 in it, indicating that
this field is the first in the tabbing chain.
4 Click the text field for entering an e-mail address. A 2 appears in its yellow square.
5 Continue to create the tabbing chain by clicking on the yellow squares for the
remaining form fields. (Be sure to click on the yellow squares for the form fields, not
the labels.)
Note: If you want to change the order of your tabbing chain, first deselect the Start/Stop
Indexing button in the Form Text Field Inspector. Then select the form field for which you
want to change the tabbing order number in the document window, and enter the correct
tabbing order number in the Tab text box of the Inspector. Select the Start/Stop Indexing
button to see the result.
6 When you have finished creating the tabbing chain, click the Start/Stop Indexing
button in the Inspector. The tabbing chain has been created, and the yellow squares
disappear.
7 Choose File > Save to save the page.
8 Click the Show in Browser button in the toolbar. The document appears in the Web
browser that you specified in the GoLive Preferences dialog box. Place your cursor in the
text field for entering a name, and press Tab repeatedly to check that the tabbing chain
works as it should.
9 Close your browser.
10 Choose File > Close, and close both the membership.html file and the forms.site file.
In this lesson, you’ve learned how to lay out form fields using a table, and how to add a
variety of form fields to a form. Other form fields and functions that you can add to your
forms include check boxes, a file browser, a key generator, read-only and disabled form
fields, bounding boxes with legends to group form fields, and hidden form fields.

Review questions

Review questions
1 What are form fields?
2 Why do you need to add the Form icon to each form?
3 Why should you avoid creating forms using a layout grid?
4 How can you add a clickable image to a form?
5 How do you add an item to a list box?
6 How do you create a tabbing chain for your form?
Review answers
1 Form fields are elements that you can add to your forms, such as text fields, radio
buttons, or list boxes. Viewers can interact with form fields by entering information,
clicking items, or selecting items.
2 Dragging the Form icon from the Forms set of the Objects palette creates the container
for a form and allows the form to display and function properly in a browser.
3 A form created using a layout grid can vary according to a visitor’s browser and
screen resolution.
4 To add a clickable image to a form, you can do one of the following:
• Drag a Form Input Image icon from the Forms set of the Objects palette to the form,
and use the Point and Shoot button in the Form Input Image Inspector to connect the
placeholder to an image file.
• Drag a Form Input Image icon from the Forms set of the Objects palette to the form,
and use the Browse button in the Form Input Image Inspector to browse for an image file.
• Drag an image file directly to the Form Input Image placeholder in the form.
You should also make sure that the Is Form option is selected in the More tab of the Form
Input Image Inspector.
5 In the Form List Box Inspector, click the New Item button to create a new item. Then
enter a label and value for the item.
6 To create a tabbing chain, select any form field in your form, and click the Start/Stop
Indexing button in the Inspector. Click the yellow squares for the form fields (not the
labels) in the order in which you want viewers to be able to select the form fields using
the Tab key. Click the Start/Stop Indexing button in the Inspector to turn off the
tabbing chain.

Test your page

Test your page
Next, you’ll copy the completed page to your server, then open it in a browser and insert
some information.
1 In the Site panel, select insertLocation, then click the Put Files button (blue up arrow) to copy
the local file to your server. Choose Yes, when asked to copy dependent files.
2 With insertLocation selected in the Document window, choose File > Preview in Browser or
press F12 (Windows) to view your document.
3 Enter test data in the form, then click the Submit button.
The locationOK page appears indicating information was successfully inserted in the
Global database.
4 To view the entry you added to the database do the following:
In the Application panel group, select the Databases panel. Locate the connGlobal database,
then click the plus (+) in front of it to expand it. Click the plus (+) in front of Tables to view
the database tables. Right-click (Windows) or Control-click (Macintosh) the LOCATIONS
table and then select View Data. The database records appear; the new record is the last entry
in the database.
Take the next steps
In this tutorial you learned how to create a dynamic record insertion form in Dreamweaver. For
detailed information about topics covered in this tutorial, see the following topics in the Using
Dreamweaver MX documentation or Dreamweaver Help:
• CreatingInteractive Forms
• Adding Dynamic Content to Web Pages
• Building a page to insert records
• Setting the Record Insertion Form dialog box options

How to Format Your Screenplay Like a Pro

How toFormat Your Screenplay Like a Pro
by Robert Gregory-Browne

Introduction
Proper screenplay format is one of those things that seems to stymie novice screenwriters. Little do they know that it never was and never will be an exact science.
Over the past several years, I've spent a lot of time on the web, in newsgroups, and on chat lines talking to screenwriting hopefuls. I've been on AOL and other services and have joined or formed a number of screenwriting related forums. In that time, the most common questions I've encountered (second only to "How do you get an agent?") are related to one thing: screenplay format.
"What are the proper margins for a feature screenplay?"
"Should I use CUT TO or leave it out?"
"What's the standard format for a flashback?"
When I first started writing screenplays, I, too, was full of the same kinds of questions. I diligently studied all of the screenplays and screenwriting books I could find and checked a dozen different sources to get the answers I needed -- none of which made me feel any more confident about what I was doing, simply because much of the information I uncovered seemed contradictory:
"Always use CONTINUED to denote the continuation of a scene."
"It is no longer accepted practice to use CONTINUED to denote the continuation of a scene."
"Capitalize a character's name whenever you use it."
"Only capitalize a character's name the first time you use it."
Every source I checked seemed to speak with great authority, and, by the time I'd finished my search for answers, I was left more confused than when I started. How was I ever going to write a screenplay that didn't scream amateur? (And, trust me, the last thing you want to look like in this business is an amateur.)
But not all was lost. After all the months of struggling to understand the intricacies of screenplay format, I did come to realize one very important thing -- a comforting bit of insight I relied on when I wrote my first full-length screenplay, which, shortly thereafter, went on to win one of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences' Nicholl Fellowships in Screenwriting, got me a top-flight agent, then subsequently sold to Viacom for their Showtime network.
A dozen or so screenplays later, I'm still guided by that one all-important bit of insight, and nobody seems to be complaining that I don't know how to format a screenplay. My agent still loves me, my manager still promises me the world, and I've got an industry full of fans happy to put my latest spec at the top of their weekend reading pile.
So, what the heck is this morsel of wisdom? Here it comes:
There Is No Strict Standard Format for Feature Screenplays
Some of you may have figured this out yourselves, but I'll say it again:
There is no strict standard format for feature screenplays.
Despite all of the self-proclaimed "experts" you've talked to in the film schools, on the Internet and elsewhere, the ones who stubbornly insist that every screenplay must have exact margin settings, or that such and such should always be capitalized and that you must never-never-never use parenthetical stage directions in your dialog captions... the real truth is:
There is NO strict standard format for feature screenplays. The so-called formatting "standard" varies from script to script, writer to writer.
Take a quick look at a few "selling draft" screenplays (real screenplays, mind you, not the kind published in book form) and you'll see that the evidence bears me out. The differences in format may not be huge, but there are differences nonetheless.
So what does this mean?
For one thing, it means we can now free ourselves of some of the worry about margins and capitalization and get on with what's really important in screenwriting: telling a story. It also means that learning proper format is an extremely simple task. All we need to concern ourselves with now is looking at what all of these selling draft scripts have in common. The common ground upon which they meet is where we'll find a very loose set of rules to guide us.

Close Is Good Enough

Close Is Good Enough
Many people will shudder when they read the above statement. But when it comes to formatting a screenplay, close is definitely good enough, because producers, agents and readers aren't about to read your script with a rule book in hand.
If your story is killer (and they all want killer stories), then it won't matter that you may have strayed a bit with your format -- as long as it looks close enough to what they're used to seeing. I've had scripts turned down for any number of reasons, but I've never had one rejected because I deviated from proper format.
But let me be clear. When I say deviate, I don't mean using red ink on violet paper. Industry readers may not use a ruler, but they will shy away from the script that "looks" funny. If it's obvious on first glance that the margins are far too narrow, or there aren't any scene captions visible, or that your font of choice is "crayon," your script will be regarded with suspicion.
The trick to formatting without headaches is to simply approximate the look of the average screenplay. And by following the few loose rules that all professional screenplays have in common, you'll never have to worry about the format police again.
Before we get into the actual nuts and bolts of screenplay formatting, let me tell you about one important thing that will endear you to every agent, producer or reader who happens to have a close encounter with your script:
White Space
Leaving lots of white space on the page is extremely important. Keep the paragraphs short and surrounded by healthy margins. Instead of crowding words on the page, allow them to breathe. Readers like that breathing room.
Imagine meeting two people at a party. One is clean and well-groomed, while the other obviously hasn't bathed in about a month. Which one would you want to get to know?
Unless the filthy one is drop-dead gorgeous movie star material, I think most of us would agree that the clean one wins. The filthy one may well be a wonderful person underneath it all, but it's the first impression that counts and, chances are, you'd never even give this poor soul the time of day.
The first impression most readers have when they encounter a crowded page is, "yuk." And first impressions are all important in this business. So remember, lots and lots of white space. Keep those pages clean and well-groomed.
The Nuts & The Bolts
Okay. We're finally here. This is where we discuss those few loose rules about feature scriptwriting format that are common to all professional screenplays. But because I practice a profession that preaches "Show don't tell," I'm going to start this section by showing you what a feature screenplay page should look like before I get into the nitty gritty of how that look is achieved and related tidbits.
Appendix A shows an actual page from one of my screenplays. Because my formatting technique strays a bit from convention, I have revised the page so that it more closely approximates the look most screenplays have in common. Feel free to take a look at Appendix A now. I'll wait here while you do....
Done? Good.
What's the first thing you notice when you look at Appendix A? Lots of white space. The paragraphs are short and spaced apart and the margins are relatively wide.
When formatting your own script, all you have to do is approximate this look. You don't have to take a ruler and figure out the exact width of the margins, you simply have to come up with a reasonable facsimile of what you see. So let's take a closer look.
Typeface
The Appendix A sample uses 12 point Courier font. If you're utilizing a typewriter for your screenplay (one shudders at the thought), then you'll want to use Courier PICA..
I know. Courier is ugly. Unfortunately, this is one "rule" that shouldn't be broken. Unless you're an established screenwriter (and you probably wouldn't be reading this if you were), the use of any other font will more than likely cast suspicion upon you and your work.
Scene Numbers
You've probably heard about or seen scripts full of scene numbers. Scene numbers are only used in production drafts. In writer's drafts, you never put scene numbers. They serve absolutely no purpose (which is why you don't see them in any of these examples).
Scene Captions
This is a scene caption:
INT. NICK'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Every time you move to a new location, it's necessary to start with a scene caption. Looking at the sample, you'll note that we go from NICK'S BEDROOM to the STREET and then on to an ALLEY.
Each new location requires a new scene caption -- which is simply a short description telling us where we are and whether or not we need shades.

INT./EXT. - NIGHT/DAY

INT./EXT. - NIGHT/DAY
Let's look at the scene caption a little more closely. "INT." is a commonly used abbreviation for "Interior." So, "INT. NICK'S BEDROOM" obviously means we're inside Nick's bedroom.
Any ideas what "EXT." means?
That's right. It stands for "Exterior" or outside, as in "EXT. ALLEY."
The use of "NIGHT" in the captions is pretty much self explanatory. It's used to give us an idea what time of day it is. You may also use "MORNING," "EVENING," "DUSK," "DAWN," if it's really important to zero in on the time of day, but the most commonly used captions are simply "NIGHT" and "DAY."
There is, however, something I'd like to make clear. The first scene in Appendix A shows Nick at his bedroom window looking down at the dream girl. There is then a bit of a time cut as we jump to "EXT. STREET - NIGHT" to show Nick emerging from his apartment building. We did not bother to follow Nick as he went to his door, got on the elevator, rode downstairs and emerged onto the street. We simply cut to him coming out of the building.
Because of this cut or break in the action, it's necessary to show what time of day it is. As far as the reader knows it could be three days later just before sunset. So to avoid confusion, we put "EXT. STREET - NIGHT" to tell the reader, hey, pal, it's still nighttime here. (Some would put " - MOMENTS LATER" which in this case is perfectly acceptable.)
Later on in the sequence, when Nick gets to "EXT. ALLEY," you'll note that there isn't a time of day indication in the caption. Why is that? Because there's no break in action, no jump in time. Nick goes straight from the street to the alley and we follow him there. Therefore it isn't necessary for us to litter the caption with unnecessary information.
(This would be different, of course, in a production draft. Films are rarely shot in sequence and the technicians need to know what each scene calls for.)
Spacing
Line spacing is somewhat self-explanatory when you look at any of the samples in Appendices A, B or C, but I'll spell it out in plain English:
Always single-space narrative and dialogue. Always double-space after the scene caption and between each character's speech. Never double-space after a dialogue caption.
You'll also note that I triple-spaced between the narrative and the scene caption that follows it. This, too, is common practice, but not always adhered to. Double-spacing here is fine, but triple-spacing gives the page more breathing room. Lots of white space, remember?
To Cap or Not to Cap
There seems to be a lot of confusion over what should and shouldn't be capitalized in a script. Hopefully, this will clear things up:
Characters
The very first time you introduce a CHARACTER into the narrative, capitalize his name. After that, the standard upper/lower case is used. For example, you might start like this:
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
JACK JOHNSON emerges from the shadows of a doorway and lights
a cigarette, the flame illuminating his haggard face.
This is Jack's first appearance in the script, so his name is capitalized. Remember now, that's his first appearance in the script, not in each scene.
Scene and Dialog Captions
As shown in the Appendix A sample, always capitalize scene and dialogue captions.
Sounds
Some screenwriters put every SOUND in caps. I suppose it gives them a bit of a thrill to see their words jump off the page. That way, every CRACK of THUNDER can be heard by the reader.
This might be fine during production when dealing with sound cues, but for the most part, I think capitalizing sound effects is silly and annoying, so I try to avoid it. Nobody will sue you if you do it, but what's the point?
(V.O.) and (O.S.)
In the sample in Appendix A you may have noticed the abbreviation "(V.O.)" in the dialogue captions. This abbreviation stands for "Voice Over" and means that the speech involved does not come directly from the scene but over the top of the soundtrack. This abbreviation is most often used in script utilizing narration.
Another common abbreviation you'll see is "(O.S.)," which means, "Off Stage." Although this may seem to serve the same function as "(V.O.)," it does not. "(O.S.)" is commonly used when someone in the scene is speaking, but isn't on camera at the moment.
For example, you might have a scene showing two people talking as an unseen third calls to them from outside. The unseen caller's dialogue caption would then include the (O.S.) abbreviation, as follows:
LISA (O.S.)
Are you two coming or what?
I personally consider these abbreviations distracting (in fact, I consider all abbreviations distracting, but we'll get into that later), so I employ another commonly used technique:
LISA'S VOICE
Are you two coming or what?
As you can see, I substitute the word "VOICE" for "(O.S.). The same technique may be used for a voice over as well.